Public Policy & The Family

It was another great and interesting week reading several essays that address many of the issues that families are facing today. There are also many programs and measures that are formed to strengthen marriage and families, which can provide support and benefits to those different family members.

The discussion this week focused around recent events that have included the involvement and support of people who believe strongly in families. I was able to "share with a friend" who asked why the LDS church, members, and people of other faiths were so actively involved in the campaign for Proposition 8 in California. I didn't really understand this amendment until I was able research and study it for the discussion. I was impressed with one of the responses from a classmate, who shared how and why with love and kindness. She really did a fantastic job! I hope to remember that when faced with conversations and topics that are very emotionally charged, I would do well to take a peaceful approach- speak with love and be clear. Even if the laws of man change, I am still expected to obey God's laws and defend and protect the family.

Challenges and Opportunities

When I think of a challenge, do I also consider the opportunity that I have been given to grow in a new way? I would say that the answer is most often- NO, I don't. This week as I was able to read about special challenges that are presented in families, I was able to think about some of the challenges that I have personally experienced. The worry, stress, sadness, and range of emotions is often difficult to express. No matter what I have gone through, I know that my Heavenly Father has always been there for me.

Family- Work and Wholesome Recreation

Reading and understanding more about work and "wholesome recreation" has really been so helpful for me right now. As a youth leader for the young women, there are many opportunities to share insights and learning in our Sunday class about these particular subjects. These wonderful young women are eager to share their experiences and opinions, but I am not sure they (or I) am able to share the real meaning of the importance of work in the home, in our lives, and in the eternal scheme of things. I have also seen the social science research about the benefits of helping in the home in "family care" (doing things to help the entire family) as opposed to just completing "self care" (cleaning my room, my mess, etc..) I really enjoyed reading an article by Kathleen Bahr and Cheri Loveless titled Family Work from BYU magazine. I want to be able to read this again and again for the wonderful message that was taught in the article.

I've also gained a better understanding of recreation-- the benefits in my life and what this type of activity can be in my family. So often we think of "fun" as something completely different than what we really need. The simply acquirement of pleasure, comfort, and wealth are not the key ingredients that make a person happy. Many of the activities that we participate in for recreation only bring a temporary moment of "happiness"... and one that we quickly adapt to. We then need to find something else, something bigger and better to enjoy. This is a cycle of finding comfort or pleasure simply in itself, thinking that we will be happier if we had more comforts in our life.

Family Happiness

Our personal happiness has a lot to do with whether our family is happy. It is interesting to read and see the strong connection between the two and the different elements that interact with one another within a familial context. One important principle to remember is that our Heavenly Father has sent each one of us here on Earth to learn and grow, the most powerful form of growth occurs in our homes in the framework of families.

In the reading this week, I was able to think more about faith in family life and the role that my own religious beliefs and practices have influenced me and the person that I have become. I have also been intrigued with the religious community, practices, and beliefs that have become so intertwined in my life while raising my own children. One of my classmates spoke about the strength that she is able to see from the strong, religious upbringing of her children and the effect it has played even when they are grown up and away from home. I thought about how it is one thing to believe, but to practice and participate is another aspect all together. Intertwined and together, these three dimensions in family life lead to action. In the LECTURES ON FAITH, Joseph Smith defined faith not only as belief but as "the principle of action in all intelligent beings".

Another chapter discussed the power of prayer and the influence for good that this principle can have, especially in times of distress and trouble within a marriage and family. Becoming a mother has helped me to recognize and appreciate my Heavenly Father in multiple ways and how important prayer is in my life. I think about my children and how much I truly love them, how much I want to help them to grow and learn, and also the sadness I feel when they feel sad. I know that Heavenly Father views me in this way as well. He loves me for who I am and who I can become. He wants me to learn and grow-- that is why I am here. He is also sad when I feel sad. The best way to build and understand my Father is to speak to Him and use prayer in my life to build that relationship.

Finally, I was able to read and understand the principles of repentance and forgiveness in an individual and family perspective. There was so much I that I hope to be able to understand better from this chapter. In finding the key aspects and putting them under the "page" in family happiness, I hope to be able to draw on the wisdom and understanding found under this particular reading assignment.

Parenting Practices

As we are building on the information that we covered last week about parenting, this week we are discussing and learning about the different parenting practices that are most helpful.... and those that are not. There can be so many variables that play into how a child reacts, how a parent "parents", and the results of those combinations can make a difference in the outcome of a child's life. I found it most interesting to learn more about a typical parenting technique classified as coercion. The definition of this term is to compel people to behave the way we want them to behave. Sounds like an idea that wasn't exactly supported in the counsel before we came to Earth. This technique is used because it is efficient, the short-term results are what the person/parent wants to occur and it usually happens quickly. But this expediency is only an illusion. A child will behave when threatened or coerced, but mere compliance is not change. What this technique actually does is encourage children to escape, avoid, or counter coerce (to get even). Eeek! Not exactly the behaviors that any parent wants to have their child express!

Glenn Latham shares:

 "The most effective way to strengthen desirable behavior is through positive reinforcement"

I have used this technique when I saw a friend that had jar full of beans on her table. I asked her what she was doing and she told me that she was having a hard time noticing good things that her kids were doing. It seems she was always having to tell them how to be nice or helpful in the family, there was a lot of teasing, and she just didn't like it. So she decided to have a physical reminder of the good things that her children were doing for her... and for them. She noticed a huge difference in behavior and she didn't feel like she was yelling at her kids for all the little things that they had been doing before. So I tried it and it was great! I would have my 4 year-old ask after doing something good "Do I get to put beans in the jar?" You bet, buddy!
When the jar becomes full from everyone "Bean Good", then the family is able to do a fun activity together. After learning and remembering this experience, I pulled out the bean jar that had been somehow forgotten and I am starting to see the things that my children are doing that is a desirable behavior. Compliments, warm hugs, smiling, and laughing are part of my positive reinforcement!

Things to Remember:
Christ-like Parenting is free from reviling (D&C 31:9)
Rich in nurturing (Alma 32:37-43)
Non-reactive  **REMEMBER THIS ONE**

Read "Parenting with Love" by Glenn Latham for wonderful counsel and advice in this area.

Parenting Principles

Becoming a mother has to be one of the hardest and most challenging events that has occurred in my life. But along with being difficult at times, it has also been one of the richest and happiest times that  I have ever experienced. Of course I love my children completely, the tricky part is figuring out the best way to teach and enforce rules-- how to love and discipline at the same time.

I've often wondered why there isn't a handbook that tells you exactly how to be a parent. There are plenty of books out there that try to share information that will be beneficial in parenting, however, each family and child brings unique combinations that cannot be explained fully in any parenting manual. I've learned about the most effective parenting techniques in other courses that I have taken, but the ideal and what occurs in real life don't always match up. I want to be that ideal model ALL of the time, it just isn't how I react in those intense moments when something has been broken and there is teasing and fighting going on. I really do wish in those moments that I could take myself out of the picture and have a "professional" take over. Solve the problem, clean up the mess, send the children outside to play and then I would magically reappear. Almost like having a Mary Poppins to take care of those heated instances and the problem would be solved. So now that I have again read about the most effective parenting techniques, I need to work on the application. I know how important and sacred my responsibilities are as a parent, as a mother, in the lives of my children. President Ezra Taft Benson (1974, p. 381) said:

"Usually the Lord gives us the overall objectives to be accomplished and some guidelines to follow, but he expects us to work out most of the details and methods. The methods and procedures are usually developed through study and prayer and by living so that we can obtain and follow the promptings of the Spirit."

The Proclamation to the Family has this to say about parenting:

“God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force.”

“Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for…their children.”

“Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.”

Sounds pretty serious, right? YES it is. But that makes it that much more vital for us to put forth our best efforts in our roles as parents. For me it is knowing how to act, instead of simply reacting. As a mother- I've learned more about the special role I have. It is more than I had originally thought through in my mind. Having more to read and ponder has helped me to appreciate my life right now, as I teach and help my children to learn and to grow into responsible, capable, and happy people. I really have had moments to think about my own experiences as well as the examples from my own parents. I was able to have an interview with my mother and talk to her about her goals as a parent with her young family. Her objectives are also what I want for my family. I want my children to have testimonies of the gospel, faith in the Savior and Heavenly Father's plan, to be honorable, successful, and happy.

Marriage Preparation

I had a great time reading the chapters for this week and the other homework assignments in regards to dating and preparing for marriage. It is clear that current trends in society are having a direct impact on the definition of what a date is and the frequency of "dating" among teenagers and young adults. There is a way to socialize that is occurring recently which doesn't require any thought or planning and it is called "hanging out". Many young adults are comfortable in this setting, but it isn't leading to any productive forms of relationship development, and serious relationships are suffering.

As a youth leader and I began to consider the conversations that I could have with my young women about becoming and developing qualities that are most beneficial to maturity and a proper dating mindset. It doesn't need to wait until these young women are 16 and just ready to start into the social scene. No, these conversations and commitments need to begin right when they step in as bright-eyed 12 year-olds. There is wonderful counsel that is taught about the purpose of dating in the teenage years from church leaders, talked about with parents, and reinforced with youth leaders. Teenage dating should be considered training time. It is time to get to know and develop friendships and should not be thought of "I'm going to have marry this person if we go on a date." I think about the unwritten rules that impacted my high school dating career. It was tricky to think more simply about what a date meant. If a boy asked me out for a night, then it wasn't very common for a different boy to then ask me out the next week. It was almost like the first gentleman had staked his claim and there wasn't going to be any interference from another young man until at least a 3 month stall had occurred. It really was just confusing for everyone involved. I'm pretty sure these "rules" still exist as I have spoken to other mothers and teenagers about this topic. Even if a boy did ask a different girl out, people would think  he was just trying to see as many girls as he could and that would be considered a social foul.  But during the high school time for dating this is exactly what this term should be for them. There are friends that enjoy being together, but by widening the social circles and getting to know all types of individuals a person will be able to know and learn about conversation skills and be able to interact with anyone they choose.

I loved reading the entire Ensign magazine that was dedicated to sharing information about dating. There were articles, encouragement, and answering questions that youth have about dating and the thought processes that young men and women have in regards to one another. I loved it and feel like it is something that I am ready to share with my own children (soon) and the young women that I work with (very soon).

Check out the TAB *Dating* and *Marriage Preparation* to read the highlights and information that struck me as important this week.