MARRIAGE

Here are some of my favorite points and quotes found in

CHAPTER 3: FOUNDATIONAL PROCESSES for an ENDURING, HEALTHY MARRIAGE

*Stephan F. Duncan and Sara S. McCarty Zasukha*


I was not surprised by much of the information that was contained in this chapter about what makes a strong, enduring, and healthy marriage. We've heard this type of advice before, yet when it is backed with social science research, scholarly and a gospel approach, it is powerful to see what can make a relationship flourish or fail. I was able to read about 6 Foundational Principles and Processes that are suggestions for couples to apply to their relationship.

1) PERSONAL COMMITMENT TO THE MARRIAGE COVENANT

When we see and know that marriage is purposeful, divinely created relationship and not merely a social custom, couples know they have God-given covenant obligations to one another and their attitude and behaviors reflect that knowledge. Personal dedication is an intentional decision and desire and essential for fulfillment in marriage.

2) LOVE and FRIENDSHIP

I remember learning in high school and young women's class about marriage and dating. I was taught that it is easier to date someone who is your friend first. I also remember hearing "You marry who you date". This wise phrase to help us recall before accepting invitations from a date. This idea was mentioned in this section by Elder Marlin K. Jensen of the Seventy when he said "a relationship between a man and a women that begins with friendship and then ripens into romance and eventually marriage will usually become an enduring, eternal friendship."

Nurturing that love and friendship takes effort and many points were given as great counsel. Know how your partner feels loved and respond appropriately. Be able to talk as friends and show genuine interest in the conversation, take turns, and avoid interrupting. Finally,  be able to respond for bids of affection. It was mentioned that how spouses responded to bids for connection affected the future of the relationship in a major way. It was mentioned that couples should set goals for interaction, make an effort to do activities together, do something everyday to communicate affection and appreciation, and be able to speak with one another and make corrections if necessary.

3) POSITIVE INTERACTION

Positive emotions toward one's spouse are vital to a healthy marriage. Couples can focus on positive qualities by making and sharing lists of things they admire and appreciate about each other. Those who nurture their fondness and admiration for one another in this way are better able to accept each other's flaws and weaknesses and prevent them from threatening their relationship.


4) ACCEPTING INFLUENCE FROM ONE'S SPOUSE

This applies to the process of listening, counseling, and taking consideration of spouse's feelings when making decisions together.

5) RESPECTFULLY HANDLE DIFFERENCES AND SOLVE PROBLEMS

Disagreements occur in even the best marriages, but how those differences are handled is an important indicator to marital success or failure. A good skill set has been found most useful to work through challenges from differences and conflict. These skills include: prevention, eliminating destructive patterns, becoming calm, discussing issues softly-gently-and privately, making and accepting repair attempts, soothing one's self and each other, and reaching a consensus.

6) CONTINUING COURTSHIP THROUGH THE YEARS

Research shows that marriages that are left to be will eventually fall into entropy, a loss of energy or coherence over time. It is vital and important for couples to continue to attend to one another's needs, be involved in special activities with one another to build and maintain their relationship. It was also shown that couples that spend at least 5 hours a week working on their relationship fared the best over time (Gottman & Silver, 1999). A couple must accomplish these four things during those five hours: learn one thing that happened in your spouse's life each day, have a stress-reducing conversation at the end of the day, do something special every day to show affection and appreciation, and have a weekly date night.


Elder F. Burton Howard (2003, p. 94) shared the kind of treatment marriage deserves if it is expected to last indefinitely:

 

If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as times goes by. Eternal marriage is just like that. We need to treat it just that way.

 

CHAPTER 4: EQUAL PARTNERSHIP BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN IN FAMILIES

*Valerie M. Hudson and Richard B. Miller

 

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. (The Proclamation to the World)

 

This chapter reminded me of an article called "Equal Partnership in Marriage." I remember the art in this Ensign article well as it was an apple and an orange. When a slice was made into the apple there was orange fruit inside, and likewise with the orange was apple fruit inside. I have always been able to visualize that image when thinking about the different, but equal roles a husband and wife have in a marriage. 

 

Some of my favorite quotes from the reading include Elder L. Tom Perry of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles who eloquently said: “There is not a president or a vice president in a family. The couple works together eternally for the good of the family. … They are on equal footing. They plan and organize the affairs of the family jointly and unanimously as they move forward.” (p.41)

 

Elder M. Russell Ballard made about how equality does not mean sameness. He taught: "Men and women, though spiritually equal, are entrusted with different by equally significant roles... These stewardships, equally sacred and important, do not involve any false ideas about domination or subordination."

 

President Boyd K. Packer spoke about how a marriage of equal partners is also one in which the partners help one another in their stewardships, just as the Proclamation states "husband and wife are obligated to help on another as equal partners." There is no task in which the other spouse may contribute fully and equally. In this way I am hopeful that I have addressed my friends question in a way that was satisfying to her. Sharing with her that equal means together, not just doing your job well, but supporting and working as a team together in various ways.

 

Benefits of Equal Partnership

 

Research has demonstrated that couples who have an equal partnership have happier relationships, better individual well-being, more effective parenting practices, and better-functioning children. (Gray-Little & Burkes, 1983) Better physical and emotional health as also benefits of an equal partnership.

 

Equal partners are generally better parents.

 

CONCLUSION

 

The Proclamation's exhortation to equal partnership in marriage does not mean that husband and wife are identical, but it does mean that in a very real and meaningful sense they must stand as equals before each other and to find joy in marriage.

 

Other thoughts from reading material this week-

*It is, in fact, unnatural to be equal partners. Equal partnership and unity are divine qualities

Spouses need not perform the same functions to be equal.

Temple marriage covenants do not magically bring equality to a partnership. Those covenants commit us to a developmental process of learning and growing together—by practice.

James Harper “A Man shall cleave unto his wife and none else” JAN Ensign 1990

Marriage is not just a social contract between man and woman; it involves God as well. God is a witness to all marriage agreements and insists that couples should be devoted and completely faithful to each other.

Husbands and wives should counsel together in decisions related to communication and activities in the family, rearing and disciplining of children, food storage and other aspects of family welfare, finances, work and career decisions, family work responsibilities, housekeeping tasks, recreation, and all other decisions that affect their bond with each other.

 

“Equal Partnership in Marriage” Ensign April 2013

In the home it is a partnership with husband and wife equally yoked together, sharing in decisions, always working together. President Boyd K. Packer

Equality does not mean sameness, however. Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has taught: “Men and women, though spiritually equal, are entrusted with different but equally significant roles. … Men are given stewardship over the sacred ordinances of the priesthood. To women, God gives stewardship over bestowing and nurturing mortal life, including providing physical bodies for God’s spirit children and guiding those children toward a knowledge of gospel truths. These stewardships, equally sacred and important, do not involve any false ideas about domination or subordination.”¹¹

A marriage of equal partners is also one in which the partners help one another in their stewardships, indeed, are “obligated to help one another as equal partners.”¹² This partnership extends to housework and childcare. President Packer has said, “There is no task, however menial, connected with the care of babies, the nurturing of children, or with the maintenance of the home that is not [the husband’s] equal obligation.”¹³

Women also assist their husbands, directly and indirectly, with the burdens of supporting a family. Finally, there must be room enough in a marriage for the dreams of both the husband and the wife and sweet encouragement from each to the other to follow those dreams.

Chapter 7: The Warm, Happy Marriage: Cold, Hard Facts to Consider

*Elizabeth VanDenBerghe and Alan J. Hawkins

Married adults are healthier, have lower rates of morbidity and mortality, and their health benefits persist even when factors such as race, income, and health status prior to marriage are taken into account.

At older ages, married people are significantly healthier and experience few physical limitations in daily activities than their non-married counterparts. Married people recover better from illness and surgery.

Research confirms that a marriage founded on realistic expectations as opposed to fantasy manages to satify the deep, human need for emotional and physical closeness throughout life's ups and downs.

Dr. Gottman said ,"Comical as it may sound, romance actually grows when a couple are in a supermarket and the wife says, 'Are we out of bleach?' and the husband says, 'I don't know. Let me got get some just in case'." A high indicator of success consists of the mundane moments.

Solid research proves that married people in general are better off financially as well as physically and mentally.

Couples who live together before marriage have higher rates of divorce and lower levels of marital quality..

Both the soft stories and the hard evidence attest to the fact that good marriages are undeniably worth the work, sacrifice, and dedication they require. The benefits of marriage are unique; the disadvantages of alternative family forms are real, profound, and all to common. The benefits begin at the marriage ceremony; extend into the lives of husbands, wives, and their children across time.