CHAPTER 10 Parenting with Love, Limits, and Latitude: Proclamation Principles and Supportive Scholarship
The following will allow optimal development in rearing children in love and righteousness
- Love, warmth, and support
- Clear and reasonable expectation for behavior
- Limits and boundaries with some room for negotiation and compromise
- Reasoning and developmentally appropriate consequences and punishments for breaching established limits
- Opportunities to perform competently and make choices
- Absence of coercive, hostile forms of discipline, such as harsh physical punishments, love with-drawl, shaming, and inflicting guilt.
- Models of appropriate behavior consistent with self-control, positive values, and positive attitudes
The 3 STYLES OF PARENTING described in the textAuthoritarian
-This style of parenting is characterized by parents who deride, demean, or diminish children. This usually takes place in a home where there is a climate of hostility, frequent spanking, yelling, criticizing, and forcing.
-This style has been linked to many forms of anti-social, withdrawn, and delinquent behaviors in children
Parents usually claim the biblical interpretations "spare the rod and spoil the child" in their justification for physical punishment is not correct. The shepherd's rod reminds us that he guides his sheep by gathering the lambs in his flock. Gently leading them, never used for beating sheep. The "rod" is used to defend and ward of enemies. Important concept to remember.
Permissive
-Characterized by parents who overindulge their children or neglect them by leaving them to their own devices. Shirking sacred parental responsibilities by not providing guidance and constraint
-Restrictions, demands for mature behavior, and consequences for misbehavior kept at a minimum.
-Children raised by permissive parents have greater difficulty respecting others, coping with frustration, delaying gratification for a greater goal, and following through with plans.
This style of parenting does not fit well with proclamation principles or parenting counsel by social science results.
Authoritative
-The optimal parenting style. Fosters a positive emotional connection with children, provides for regulation that places fair and consistent limits on child behavior, and allows for reasonable children autonomy in decision making.
-Create environment where children are more open to parental input and direction. Individualized child rearing encouraged depending on child temperament and dispositions.
-Children reared by parents tend to be better adjusted in school; are less aggressive and delinquent, are more friendly and accepted by peers, more communicative, self-motivated, and academically inclined and more willing to abide by laws.
-Characterized by well-defined researched characteristics: CONNECTION, REGULATION, and AUTOMONY
or in other words LOVE, LIMITS, and LATITUDE
President Gordon B. Hinkley has said "Of all the joys of life, none other equals that of happy parenthood. Of all the responsibilities with which we struggle, none other is so serious. To rear children in an atmosphere of love, security, and faith is the most rewarding of all challenges. The good result from such efforts becomes life's most satisfying compensation."
CHAPTER 12 MOTHERS as NURTURERS
Research on motherhood has consistently revealed that to be a mother is full of dialectical tensions. Mothers will feel profound joy and meaning in loving and caring for children and at the same time an immense burden of responsibility. Filled with immense love for each child while identifying and responding to each child's needs while fostering each child's development.
When women see motherhood as a relationship rather than a set of tasks, mothers will also recognized the dangers in comparing their mothering with others. Her mothering will be individual because she is giving her best, unique self to her children.
Elder M. Russell Ballard has taught "There is no perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family... What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with that devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else (May, 2008)
"Good fathering, it seems, really does matter. It matters over a long time, over a lifetime, and even over generations" (1993, p. 356)
"Perhaps most important, mothers and fathers who are honest with themselves will recognized that in every relationship they will fail their children in some important way. That is part of being mortal in a fallen world. No mother of father is good enough to care perfectly for God's children. The only true solution is to be changed-- to have our natures changed so that we can draw inspiration from heaven and become fit parents." (p.135-36)
CHAPTER 13 "HONOR THY FATHER"; KEY PRINCIPLES AND PRACTICES IN FATHERING
To father a child is to accept a divine calling, a moral stewardship, and a lasting commitment across generations.
President Ezra Taft Benson taught that a father's calling "is an eternal calling from which (he is) never released" (1987, p.48)
Recognizing that fathering is a spiritual work, President Harold B. Lee summarized, "The most important work that you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes."
*"The decisions and behaviors of fathers in their family relationships have long-lasting and fundamental consequences". (p.141)
John Snarey (who investigated the contributions of fathers to children across generations in a multi-decade research project) summarized this tremendous body of research in saying:
A fathers' role consists of many aspects that can be categorized into 5 sections which are
(1) to PRESIDE (2) to PARTNER (3) to be PRESENT (4) to PROVIDE (5) to PROTECT
PRESIDE: Fathers are directed to take upon themselves the responsibility of spiritual leadership in family life as part of a loving Eternal Father's plan for family functioning. This responsibility occupies the first and foremost duty among the varied obligations that rest upon men in family life. The manner to exercise spiritual guidance in "love and righteousness" is clearly taught. Perhaps it is only through the gentle application of love and consistent example of personal spiritual attentiveness that spiritualy persuasion can be appropriately exercised.
PARTNER: Parenthood is a partnership with mother, relatives, neighborhoods, and communities. A father can ensure their relationships are in place to better allow growth in the child. It has been found that fathering improves most for "dads in groups, gathering for mutual support, wisdom, and encouragement," and that these groups offer men "three vital elements: companionship, assistance and insight, and accountability."
PRESENT: While a parents does not need to be constantly presne to care for children, a parent's presence is a fundamental requirement if he is to meet children's needs and build a lasting parent-child bond. For fathers being present in a child's life and consciousness, to be available and aware of a child's needs such that he or she develops in an atmosphere of security and love. (p.144) This presence can be divided into physical, psychological, and practical.
PROVIDE: Also may be categorized as "stewardship work". The task of providing in family life, creative, dedicated effort to provide resources for children and family and to provide opportunities for children to develop and learn to care for their own and others' physical and psychosocial needs. (p.146)
PROTECT: A primary task of welcoming and preparing children in the family over time for the external world that they will have to navigate as they grow. Instilling skills and knowledge so that a child may be able to both avoid and manage life challenges.
The Latter-Day Saint approach to teaching children, particularly through avenues such as family home evening and scripture study, is most essential to promoting understanding and internalization of important values that will guide behavior. Similarly, prayer encourages children's sense of accountability to their Heavenly Father for their lives and actions. Elder David A. Bednar (2010) has given numerous insights into the value of gospel teaching, both for promoting positive child outcomes as well as for helping parents sense impending problems. Elder Bednar also encourages the numerous opportunities parents have to informally share gospel insights and testimony with their children.
The family that embraces multiple opportunities to teach will generally find that they need to discipline their children less often as their children internalize principles and gradually evidence greater ability for self-control.
Teaching must be adjusted to the developmental readiness of the child, and that teaching sometimes takes much time, even years, to fully sink in with the young.
Parents should not be discouraged by the need to repeat themselves; the same principle is regularly practiced in our church meetings, as well as in our own parent-child relationship with Heavenly Father.
CHAPTER 13 "HONOR THY FATHER"; KEY PRINCIPLES AND PRACTICES IN FATHERING
To father a child is to accept a divine calling, a moral stewardship, and a lasting commitment across generations. President Ezra Taft Benson taught that a father's calling "is an eternal calling from which (he is) never released" (1987, p.48)
Recognizing that fathering is a spiritual work, President Harold B. Lee summarized, "The most important work that you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes."
*"The decisions and behaviors of fathers in their family relationships have long-lasting and fundamental consequences". (p.141)
John Snarey (who investigated the contributions of fathers to children across generations in a multi-decade research project) summarized this tremendous body of research in saying:
A fathers' role consists of many aspects that can be categorized into 5 sections which are
(1) to PRESIDE (2) to PARTNER (3) to be PRESENT (4) to PROVIDE (5) to PROTECT
PRESIDE: Fathers are directed to take upon themselves the responsibility of spiritual leadership in family life as part of a loving Eternal Father's plan for family functioning. This responsibility occupies the first and foremost duty among the varied obligations that rest upon men in family life. The manner to exercise spiritual guidance in "love and righteousness" is clearly taught. Perhaps it is only through the gentle application of love and consistent example of personal spiritual attentiveness that spiritualy persuasion can be appropriately exercised. PARTNER: Parenthood is a partnership with mother, relatives, neighborhoods, and communities. A father can ensure their relationships are in place to better allow growth in the child. It has been found that fathering improves most for "dads in groups, gathering for mutual support, wisdom, and encouragement," and that these groups offer men "three vital elements: companionship, assistance and insight, and accountability."
PRESENT: While a parents does not need to be constantly presne to care for children, a parent's presence is a fundamental requirement if he is to meet children's needs and build a lasting parent-child bond. For fathers being present in a child's life and consciousness, to be available and aware of a child's needs such that he or she develops in an atmosphere of security and love. (p.144) This presence can be divided into physical, psychological, and practical.PROVIDE: Also may be categorized as "stewardship work". The task of providing in family life, creative, dedicated effort to provide resources for children and family and to provide opportunities for children to develop and learn to care for their own and others' physical and psychosocial needs. (p.146)
PROTECT: A primary task of welcoming and preparing children in the family over time for the external world that they will have to navigate as they grow. Instilling skills and knowledge so that a child may be able to both avoid and manage life challenges.
Chapter 11 Parenting in Gospel Context: Practices Do Make a Difference
The Latter-Day Saint approach to teaching children, particularly through avenues such as family home evening and scripture study, is most essential to promoting understanding and internalization of important values that will guide behavior. Similarly, prayer encourages children's sense of accountability to their Heavenly Father for their lives and actions. Elder David A. Bednar (2010) has given numerous insights into the value of gospel teaching, both for promoting positive child outcomes as well as for helping parents sense impending problems. Elder Bednar also encourages the numerous opportunities parents have to informally share gospel insights and testimony with their children.
The family that embraces multiple opportunities to teach will generally find that they need to discipline their children less often as their children internalize principles and gradually evidence greater ability for self-control.
Teaching must be adjusted to the developmental readiness of the child, and that teaching sometimes takes much time, even years, to fully sink in with the young.
Parents should not be discouraged by the need to repeat themselves; the same principle is regularly practiced in our church meetings, as well as in our own parent-child relationship with Heavenly Father.
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