Parenting Practices

As we are building on the information that we covered last week about parenting, this week we are discussing and learning about the different parenting practices that are most helpful.... and those that are not. There can be so many variables that play into how a child reacts, how a parent "parents", and the results of those combinations can make a difference in the outcome of a child's life. I found it most interesting to learn more about a typical parenting technique classified as coercion. The definition of this term is to compel people to behave the way we want them to behave. Sounds like an idea that wasn't exactly supported in the counsel before we came to Earth. This technique is used because it is efficient, the short-term results are what the person/parent wants to occur and it usually happens quickly. But this expediency is only an illusion. A child will behave when threatened or coerced, but mere compliance is not change. What this technique actually does is encourage children to escape, avoid, or counter coerce (to get even). Eeek! Not exactly the behaviors that any parent wants to have their child express!

Glenn Latham shares:

 "The most effective way to strengthen desirable behavior is through positive reinforcement"

I have used this technique when I saw a friend that had jar full of beans on her table. I asked her what she was doing and she told me that she was having a hard time noticing good things that her kids were doing. It seems she was always having to tell them how to be nice or helpful in the family, there was a lot of teasing, and she just didn't like it. So she decided to have a physical reminder of the good things that her children were doing for her... and for them. She noticed a huge difference in behavior and she didn't feel like she was yelling at her kids for all the little things that they had been doing before. So I tried it and it was great! I would have my 4 year-old ask after doing something good "Do I get to put beans in the jar?" You bet, buddy!
When the jar becomes full from everyone "Bean Good", then the family is able to do a fun activity together. After learning and remembering this experience, I pulled out the bean jar that had been somehow forgotten and I am starting to see the things that my children are doing that is a desirable behavior. Compliments, warm hugs, smiling, and laughing are part of my positive reinforcement!

Things to Remember:
Christ-like Parenting is free from reviling (D&C 31:9)
Rich in nurturing (Alma 32:37-43)
Non-reactive  **REMEMBER THIS ONE**

Read "Parenting with Love" by Glenn Latham for wonderful counsel and advice in this area.

Parenting Principles

Becoming a mother has to be one of the hardest and most challenging events that has occurred in my life. But along with being difficult at times, it has also been one of the richest and happiest times that  I have ever experienced. Of course I love my children completely, the tricky part is figuring out the best way to teach and enforce rules-- how to love and discipline at the same time.

I've often wondered why there isn't a handbook that tells you exactly how to be a parent. There are plenty of books out there that try to share information that will be beneficial in parenting, however, each family and child brings unique combinations that cannot be explained fully in any parenting manual. I've learned about the most effective parenting techniques in other courses that I have taken, but the ideal and what occurs in real life don't always match up. I want to be that ideal model ALL of the time, it just isn't how I react in those intense moments when something has been broken and there is teasing and fighting going on. I really do wish in those moments that I could take myself out of the picture and have a "professional" take over. Solve the problem, clean up the mess, send the children outside to play and then I would magically reappear. Almost like having a Mary Poppins to take care of those heated instances and the problem would be solved. So now that I have again read about the most effective parenting techniques, I need to work on the application. I know how important and sacred my responsibilities are as a parent, as a mother, in the lives of my children. President Ezra Taft Benson (1974, p. 381) said:

"Usually the Lord gives us the overall objectives to be accomplished and some guidelines to follow, but he expects us to work out most of the details and methods. The methods and procedures are usually developed through study and prayer and by living so that we can obtain and follow the promptings of the Spirit."

The Proclamation to the Family has this to say about parenting:

“God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force.”

“Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for…their children.”

“Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.”

Sounds pretty serious, right? YES it is. But that makes it that much more vital for us to put forth our best efforts in our roles as parents. For me it is knowing how to act, instead of simply reacting. As a mother- I've learned more about the special role I have. It is more than I had originally thought through in my mind. Having more to read and ponder has helped me to appreciate my life right now, as I teach and help my children to learn and to grow into responsible, capable, and happy people. I really have had moments to think about my own experiences as well as the examples from my own parents. I was able to have an interview with my mother and talk to her about her goals as a parent with her young family. Her objectives are also what I want for my family. I want my children to have testimonies of the gospel, faith in the Savior and Heavenly Father's plan, to be honorable, successful, and happy.

Marriage Preparation

I had a great time reading the chapters for this week and the other homework assignments in regards to dating and preparing for marriage. It is clear that current trends in society are having a direct impact on the definition of what a date is and the frequency of "dating" among teenagers and young adults. There is a way to socialize that is occurring recently which doesn't require any thought or planning and it is called "hanging out". Many young adults are comfortable in this setting, but it isn't leading to any productive forms of relationship development, and serious relationships are suffering.

As a youth leader and I began to consider the conversations that I could have with my young women about becoming and developing qualities that are most beneficial to maturity and a proper dating mindset. It doesn't need to wait until these young women are 16 and just ready to start into the social scene. No, these conversations and commitments need to begin right when they step in as bright-eyed 12 year-olds. There is wonderful counsel that is taught about the purpose of dating in the teenage years from church leaders, talked about with parents, and reinforced with youth leaders. Teenage dating should be considered training time. It is time to get to know and develop friendships and should not be thought of "I'm going to have marry this person if we go on a date." I think about the unwritten rules that impacted my high school dating career. It was tricky to think more simply about what a date meant. If a boy asked me out for a night, then it wasn't very common for a different boy to then ask me out the next week. It was almost like the first gentleman had staked his claim and there wasn't going to be any interference from another young man until at least a 3 month stall had occurred. It really was just confusing for everyone involved. I'm pretty sure these "rules" still exist as I have spoken to other mothers and teenagers about this topic. Even if a boy did ask a different girl out, people would think  he was just trying to see as many girls as he could and that would be considered a social foul.  But during the high school time for dating this is exactly what this term should be for them. There are friends that enjoy being together, but by widening the social circles and getting to know all types of individuals a person will be able to know and learn about conversation skills and be able to interact with anyone they choose.

I loved reading the entire Ensign magazine that was dedicated to sharing information about dating. There were articles, encouragement, and answering questions that youth have about dating and the thought processes that young men and women have in regards to one another. I loved it and feel like it is something that I am ready to share with my own children (soon) and the young women that I work with (very soon).

Check out the TAB *Dating* and *Marriage Preparation* to read the highlights and information that struck me as important this week.

Marraige: Equal Partnership

This week has reminded me of an article called "Equal Partnership in Marriage." I remember the art in this Ensign article well as it was an apple and an orange. When a slice was made into the apple there was orange fruit inside, and likewise with the orange was apple fruit inside. I have always been able to visualize that image when thinking about the different, but equal roles a husband and wife have in a marriage. 

 

Some of my favorite quotes from the reading include Elder L. Tom Perry of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles who eloquently said: “There is not a president or a vice president in a family. The couple works together eternally for the good of the family. … They are on equal footing. They plan and organize the affairs of the family jointly and unanimously as they move forward.” (p.41)

 

Elder M. Russell Ballard made about how equality does not mean sameness. He taught: "Men and women, though spiritually equal, are entrusted with different by equally significant roles... These stewardships, equally sacred and important, do not involve any false ideas about domination or subordination."

 

President Boyd K. Packer spoke about how a marriage of equal partners is also one in which the partners help one another in their stewardships, just as the Proclamation states "husband and wife are obligated to help on another as equal partners." There is no task in which the other spouse may contribute fully and equally. If someone asked me about what exactly does it me to be "equal in a marriage", these are some of the thoughts that I would say (or at least hope to say) Sharing that equal means together, not just doing your job well, but supporting and working as a team together in various ways.

This week has really helped me to personally recognize the unique and individual roles that my husband and I have in our marriage. We tell our children that we are on a team... we work together and help one another. In order for our team to do well, we need to lift one another up, and not try to push each other down. This applies to marriages and families.